I’m a lover girl. I’ve always been a lover girl

But lately I can’t feel my heart.

I’ve given it away thinking there was an equal exchange happening,

when in reality, I was the only one giving.

Most men fall in love with me because of my brightness, because of the way I shine and how intoxicating it is being in my orbit.

The confidence I exude and the way I command the space around me overwhelms them.

But before long they want to tame me, contain me, confine me, redefine me. They need to dim my light because in the presence of my brightness they realize how much they’ve allowed life to extinguish their light…

It’s happened so many times…

I’ve craved to be seen and loved and embraced for who I am in all my light and all my dark.

In doing so, I learned to make myself small, to dim my own light for their fragile egos.

But the Goddess is in me, she is next to me, she holds me and every day she whispers to me “Come back to life. It’s time for you to shine brighter than ever before.”

and every day I dig through another layer of lies, of abuse, I pull the bindings off my throat and work to find the key to the cage that has the little bird in my heart so tightly locked up, it has forgotten how to fly, forgotten how to sing.

I don’t blame them, I don’t blame anyone. I know it’s part of what I came to learn.. how to be love, how to shine, how to be bigger than people can handle, simply because it is for me, it is for Her.

I remember how deeply my heart burned with a flame so bright nothing could ever extinguish it. I know it is still aflame. I know it burns eternally and it is simply waiting for me to see…

I don’t know when I will feel like myself again, or if I’ve ever known what it feels like to be me, heart aflame and all. That remains to be seen and if there’s one thing I know, I cannot and will not ever leave this place until the darkness unleashes the brightest light I’ve ever seen, the brightest light the world has ever seen…

Perhaps Amaterasu will show me her trick to shine like she does without censure, without fear, or Brigid will let me borrow a spark from her flame so I may be on fire again, burning eternally. Should Sekhmet bless me with her ferocious healing flame, perhaps then I may reflect her luminescence to the world, and my heart soul and body will ne aflame with love once again.

I am, after all, a lover girl at heart, I have a lover girls soul and that can only be temporarily contained.